Beware of Tourist

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Beware of Tourist!
by Dena Hodes

[And beware of tongue in cheek!]

Summer vacation time is fast approaching, and I’d like a few words with those lucky enough to be traveling abroad. As you pack your cameras, white tube socks, fanny packs and baseball hats, take a moment to read this.

I recently came into some important knowledge while living in London for six months: Americans, especially tourists, are not held in high esteem. I am being excruciatingly polite here. I don’t mean only the French hate us, as we’ve been told for years. They don’t like anyone. Except Jerry Lewis. That’s beside the point. NO ONE likes the stereotypical American tourist in Europe.

There are three common varieties of tourists we send abroad: backpackers, families and school groups.

The first group is relatively harmless except for the injuries caused by a 75-pound backpack whacking someone in the face. Their main goal is the real grungy experience of traveling on pennies a day so they’re drunkenly happy to see hot water and food, never mind other people.

Families do the most damage to American tourist image and procreation in general. Sure, it’s a nice thought to take the kids abroad, as long as they’re kept off planes and away from the general public until age 18. Picture this common sight abroad: two parents and two kids (they keep that creepy half kid at home), all loud, sloppy and complaining. Cringing yet? A huge misconception they seem to have is how to ask questions in a foreign country. Speaking loudly and slowly does NOT MAGICALLY TEACH PEOPLE ENGLISH.

The last variety, school groups, are often sent abroad by parents desperate for peace. In large snarling packs they roam important cultural sites while ridiculing everything un-American and, gulp, old. Suddenly, when confronted with "foreigners", these teens turn into the most patriotic citizens we have. Marines are card carrying Communists next to them.

Chanting, “USA!”as if they’re at the Olympics, many drive by patriotizings are committed by teens on tour buses. Yet, these same teens at home would never admit to knowing what U.S.A. is short for or the Pledge to the Flag.

The inevitable result of the hordes of overbearing tourists we send abroad added to the horrible TV shows we force on them is obvious. Europeans dislike Americans.

They do like our stuff. Levis and Marlboros are insanely expensive and worshipped. Baywatch showed that yes, breast implants do have life saving uses while making 13 year old boys very happy. However, most of the TV shows we send are too awful for us (cancelled after 5 shows) so we inflict them on countries who don’t have 180 other channels to turn to for relief.

Americans' ignorance is well known. Not by us of course. Few Americans have passports and seem to prefer their traveling to occur on PBS or The Discovery Channel. We can’t do math, find states and capitals on a map, or even spell decently in our own country. Why these “crazy” foreigners expect us to actually know some history, languages or current events about other countries is beyond me.

Please keep these few suggestions in mind when you travel abroad:

Enjoy the differences.
Don’t complain
Remember, different does not automatically equal bad.
Yes, Europeans don’t use ice much and no, you don’t get free refills. Get over it.
Accept the pesky metric system.
Speak softly and for the love of God, don’t insist on wearing a fanny pack everywhere.
Try to learn a few words in the language of your destination; thank you and please are always helpful.
The trick is to fit in, not to scream TOURIST to locals and opportunist criminals alike.
Pack tons of black clothing no matter the weather, some extra Levi 501s for quick cash and friends, and no white knee socks.
You will never learn to pronounce Van Gogh correctly according to anyone Dutch.
Lastly, no matter where you’re from in the U.S., the English will make fun of your accent. In self-defense, fake Canadian. Everyone likes Canadians, eh. Must be the maple leaf ... or the Loony.

Help to repair our badly tarnished image abroad by being polite, friendly and by leaving National Lampoon’s European Vacation at home. The U.S.A. is a great place and has more to offer then Disney World. Don’t let Mickey Mouse be our sole good ambassador.

When people ask if you’re American or Canadian, surprise them with your answer. I don’t mean surprise as in letting your face go eerily blank and shrieking,” Take me to your leader!” while pointing a banana at them. Save that for late night drinking binges at home.

If all else fails, our last resort is to all become Canadian citizens, worship hockey and declare Michael J. Fox a national treasure. Go Flames!?

Comments for the author?
newbird@mindspring.com

Dena Hodes is an archaeologist living in the Southeast who still has the travel bug. She has traveled extensively but still has a huge list of places to see and things to do. In 1998-1999 Dena worked in London doing various jobs and "spending loads more than I made". During that stint she saw many horrible American tourists. Basically, Dena says she's waiting for the Lottery to see all there is to see and to send postcards from exotic places.

[Dena's descriptions fit a small proportion of Americans traveling abroad, tongue in or out of cheek. Lest some take offense, though, we feel obliged to opine far more Americans are quite good travelers. TWEnJ also has never felt, in all our trips abroad, and through our many friendships with Europeans, that "everyone hates us". Some? Yes. But we find far more Americans who despise (other?) Americans. What makes many Americans so self-demeaning?

In any event, beware of tongue in cheek!]

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Beware of Tourist! by Dena Hodes

Beware of Tourist!
by Dena Hodes